TheCraftyWhiteFox

in a recent poll I did, it asked if you could rate your live with 1 or 2 being down in the dumps and 10 being perfect- what would you rate yourself as?

I choose 9- because I honestly couldn't figure out what I felt- I feel down the drain but if I somehow earn my husband's trust again its 1000000000 infinity sign here<-- but the chances of seeing my husband again or saving / mending my marriage just seems so ... low.

He's my everything and right now I'm loosing him due to a divorce where I cant seem to do anything to get him back but simply give him room to think, breath and pray that a miracle will happen. I haven't signed the papers and I wont because my everything.

He's this silly, goofy and spontaneous guy who breaks into a dance with a broom, or brings me chocolate milk when I'm sad or purs or coos for me and wiggles when he's so happy. He's thoughtful and inspirational in so many ways then I ever thought....He has this incredible, beautiful mind that never ceases to surprise me or inspire me. In a way he's like... my hero... that one person I'd want to meet in my life, like Picasso, or Johnny Depp, he's that amazing! he's the knight in shining armor you dream about having growing up, only whose had too many beat ups because he's fought so hard for you and he's so patient and understanding with me even on my worst days when I suffer from ptsd, anxiety, or when I'm depressed and angry or just bad days in general when nothing makes sense and he's that one person you wish you could have because he seems to be able to lift your spirit in an instant or cheer you up when you cant do it anymore.... he really lifts me up and makes me soar through the skies and dance under the stars. He makes me shine like the sun and lets me know just how precious and beautiful I am when I cant see it myself and he makes me laugh so hard playing peek-a-boo or tickling me so much I pee- tmi ik- but- he brings me hope when I think there is none, he is the happiness I dreamed of having- the peace I always wanted, the adventure of a lifetime. He sees these things I wouldn't have even thought to look or see in his pictures and art, he's so thoughtful and inventive with cooking and medicine, plants and animals- he's such a good caregiver- gentle and sweet. He's the one person I could count on. He's brave and then again- he's human prone to err and some days he feels so lost and alone and other days..., dark and hatred... but... he's that spark that keeps me going when all else fails. He's my hope. My dreams. My life...he's himself. He's my Joshy. my Spinian. The bugg king to my being the Bugg queen.

so again I choose nine, maybe because, I'm not 10 happy because of the divorce being a pain, but I'm a nine because I still have him and that's more then anything this world could give me.

. .

Im going nuts over here. i know i am. i want so badly to please my husband and give him the space he needs so that he can think about what ive said- however i find my self crowding him more and more then ever!like it used to be i asked him how his day was and if anything good happned that he wanted to share- but then i kinda got lost under the pressure of time and not knowing if id ever see him again. im not trying to but im so afraid to loose him that im actually pushing him away from me. i want to give him his space but im terrified. he says he loves me. and if someone loves you wouldnt they fight for you even if it meant sacrifice to keep the one you love? i mean he did say he wanted me. every time hes over he is so incredibly happy. he cant keep his eyes off of me. he cant stop smiling and hes so happy there with me. 

hes this incredible guy too. granted we had our flaws in our marriage- me being a naggy bossy person and he sometimes quiete or not really communicative but he's amazing.
he spoils me rotten with love, kindness, compassion and hopefully one day soon forgiveness. he makes me smile everytime i see him and his eyes light up my world like no other! he treats me so well and i was so lucky to call him my bugg king and i his queen! 
the divorce is hard- mostly because time isnt on my side and im not living with him anymore due to awkward circumstances. but he told me he wanted our marriage to work. he told me to file the papers of reconcilliation and that it would help cancel it. i have to keep hope that my husband will have faith in me and that as difficult as it is he wont give up on me. marriage was nothing i exspected and everything. we have our rough patches and then we have our really good ones. 



he can draw fantasticly carve scultp and is very brilliantly minded! and carve better then i can. hes always got this light in his eyes that i see reflected back in mine. he makes me laugh and he is very funny- but he can be a jerk too. hes got his bad days and his really bad days and then hes got his good days and then those crazy days! he loves plants and photography. he never ceases to amaze me. 
the lizard he just drew june 3. its a huge and beautiful improvment from the work when hes depressed. he captured it so perfectly im actually jelly! the dragon sculture is one of my personal favorites of his- its called the star dragon a breed of dragon he made for his worlds. its aboslutly stunning. the carving he did back in april of this year and i so baddly wish he'd teach me! and the last picture- is a picture he took- a very special place- in the very spot he took the picture- when the sun was jhust right, he got on one knee and started saying my name with this proud look on his face. 
                                                                  
                                                                            



      



he is goofy. a jerk. playful. very wise and probably the most handsome king in all the bug kingdomes! i say a king of bugs because i can for a fact tell you- when ever he needs a bug for some reference or just on anyday- there will be buggs everywhere waiting on him. they never actually bother him- they just show up- everywhere he wa;lks- latly theyve been doing that to me too^^
hes been there for me no matter what. he has always been such a huge inspiration, my bg teddy bear who always knew how to cheer me up on a bad day. i sometimes took him for granted and maybe i shouldve givven him his space more often but he has always been this very forgiving person.


he is hilarious and witty. this picture he was working and he plops on the desk and says- jenny- jenny- wiggling his fancy toes- jenny guess what i did jenny! i painted my toenails! arnt they preety?!
he is very outgoing when he wants to be. as an introvert he keeps mostly to himself unless im around. then we cause trouble. lol. we are litrally like opposites of eachother. im this wild girl on fire with a tempoer that raises hell, and he's..... hes fluttershy. i pinkie pie if you get my meaning. hes very curious about life though. he loves bunnies and birds, hes gentle with the animals and very good with kids. he finds and picks up bugs and animals and takes pictures for accurate art study or display and hes got alot of ..... exsperiments in my fridge. lol one being a sparrow i caught ansd rescued from a cat- only it died from the trauma. 



a skunk he found in his back yard on wich he gagged on and smelt bad from shortly after the photo shoot, a frog we caght in the wash a long time ago, a blue belly lizard and a blonde haired tarantula.




ive always had this thing for adventure.In my life I always wanted it. To see the world and visit new places. As I've grown older I've come to realize that I'm on an adventure. Its not as fancy or as intense as fro do and sams adventure nor as life risking or dangerous as theirs , but... Right now my adventure is with my husband, Josh g Patton. Out story is one that matters.and right now its dark. Its full of shadow and hatred that's doing its best to tear us apart. I don't want yo know why the ending will be like because I'm scared it won't be a happy ending. But... Even the darkness must pass. Our story means something to me. We have had chances to turn back but we kept going because we ate holding on to something. There is something good in our world.. And it is worth fighting for. I won't stop. I'll keep fighting for us no matter what.

you want to know what being alone is?
its knowing that no matter how loud you cry out for help, no matter how many tears you shed, or how long you beg for forgiveness,
cry out for them to come back, no matter how long you scream, nobody is coming to save you.
no matter how hurt you are, pysically or mentally, nobody is there to help you clean the gaping wounds.
theres nobody to hold you, nobody to talk to, nobody to hold. just silence. your thoughts echoing ever lasting as theres no walls to send them bouncing off into the distance.
its the feeling of helplessness- knowing that no matter what you do, your world is ending. crumbling, falling apart right underneath your feet as you search frantically to find a safe place and find grip to hold onto so you dont loose youreself and all you can hear are the wails of sadness and pain unlike anything that could be portrayed in any form of art, movie or song you've heard.
you take your last breath- its so loud you scare yourself and you loose the only grip you had for a chance of life....
theres darkness so pitch black that it infuriates you that you cant even see a glimmer of light, anguish unlike anything you can imagine. an endliss pit that you fall, and the longer you fall, the clearer it becomes that death is there, its coming, gripping at you with ist stinging iron jaws that you cant pull away from.

and right now- i feel this more then anything else.

I lost the love of my life... and he is never... never coming back.

There's been a lot in my life that I never really wanted to happen. Of course this statement alone fits the story of everyone one who reads this and then the rest of the world that continues to push onward. But, in all the struggles I ever went through, all I wanted to do was hide. Hide and never show up up again. There were times I seriously debated leaving everything behind and just- Disappear- like fog in the early morning as the warm sun comes to shine its light into the dark and depressing world.

 I didn't. I kept facing the world anyway.
what I'm about to write will be a long process- a process in which I share my life with you.

Why?

Because no matter how hard you think life is, no matter how alone you think you are, in all this world- there are people just like you, suffering, laughing and wondering- who am I?

I write my life here, and now for you, for her, and him, and them, because I am like you, that person over there, the person next you and the person across the world from me, I was alone. I was lost. I was helpless and yet- here I am.

Something big is coming
 something very big.

 Stay tuned!!!!